Dear stranger,
I’ve found someone who I’m genuinely afraid to lose. I didn’t realize how important he was to me until recently. I’ve purposefully created distance. I told myself that he might find someone new and that’s okay. But without me noticing, he’d become the most important person in my life. Sometimes, I love him so much it hurts. We’re both young and he’s moving away to college soon, which I’m very happy for him. I love his family, and I love who he is. It makes me tear up every time when I think I might mess everything up for myself and always end up like I do. I hate the fear that I might do something that makes our relationship so unstable. He makes me happy; he makes me feel heard and loved. I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I’ve never cried or shown someone how vulnerable I can be, even to my closest friends, but, to him, everything comes so easy. I hate the feeling that I haven’t been able to do anything for him. I want to give him the world, but it’s not easy when every single possible way for me to lose him becomes a thought.
It’s not the type of love that makes me feel controlling or obsessive. It’s not the type where I feel jealous when he talks to other girls. I feel safe. I trust him. But I feel like I keep messing up around him. I feel like I’m not good enough, like every step I take is another mistake. I feel like I keep making bad impressions on his family, like I keep messing up. I wish I was better. I wish I was perfect. He says all the right things to make me feel better, but I hate that I need that from him. He’s taught me what healthy love looks like. He’s been the best to me, yet, I feel like I can’t reciprocate even a small part of what he’s done for me. I keep asking myself, when am I going to mess up so badly that he gives up? What am I going to do, what am I going to mess up? I love him, and, I’m not a good person like he is. He cares about people. He cares about the small things, he cares about others before he cares for himself. I’m a very selfish person. I tend to ignore others and sneer when people walk by. But he makes me soft without him noticing, and before I knew it he’d become my first priority. If I’m being honest, it scares me. How much I care, how much I want him to be safe and okay. I’ve never cared like this about people other than my family before and it’s honestly so different from what I know. I can only wish that I can do the same for him.
Stay safe.
Tags: relationships, trust, family, love, stability, care, reciprocation
