Dear stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well, but if not, that’s alright, too. I just got rejected—no, not from a boy, but a program. A summer program that was supposed to shape my career before I got into college. It was supposed to help me learn the ropes of research, but I was rejected. I know it’s not a big deal, but it was assured, since I’d spent the past two years of my summers in this lab, trying to get along with the people around me, even if they were pretentious and rude. I still tried my hardest to stay and not cry, because I thought it would be all worth it in the end, but it wasn’t. I’m so frustrated.
That wasn’t even the first rejection I’d gone through this week. I’d requested to go into a harder math class too, but with the reasoning of not being good enough, I was also rejected. I’ve been crying a lot lately. I’ve been upset and frustrated at myself. I’ve been so angry that I’m not able to do these things. That I really am not just good enough. I know it’s arrogance in its simplest form. I know that I am an arrogant person, but really my stubbornness is the only thing I have. I know I’m not smart or intellectually gifted, but all I know is to be stubborn. To try and try, only to get burned over and over again.
But, lately, I feel the fire even slowly burning out. It’s so quiet, but it’s dwindling. The crackling and embers flying are becoming less and less frequent. I’m fading, maybe it’s because I’m tired, or because I am actually really emotionally burned out, but I find myself being so motionless and the light from my eyes being sucked out. I’m just so tired of constantly fighting. I want time to just stop for a second, I want to stop hurting for a second. I feel like every time I actually recover from the last thing, the next thing comes and it’s worse than the last. I’ve started to accept things as they are and it’s not good. I need to be better. I need to be better than what I am right now, because I’m not the best I can be in this current state right now.
Though I know it is a toxic state of mind, I can’t help it. It was how I was raised. To constantly improve myself and to constantly become better. It’s exhausting, but it’s who I am. As unfortunate or fortunate as it is. We’ll see where this path leads us.
Stay safe!
