Dear stranger,
I’m the youngest in my family. The mediator, the one who gets blamed for things and the one who has to step in and keep the peace. I always assumed that that was just my job and it sucked, but it was what it was. I learned to keep my emotions down and bite my tongue because if I didn’t, I was always asked if one side was better than the other, if I was choosing sides, and if I was, then the other left me alone. I was always the tie breaker, whether it was choosing where we were going to give advice about my own brother. I hated it. Everyone else thought they knew the best for me, even if I wasn’t so sure about the stuff they’d say, but they were insistent. When the parents were fighting and the older brother was rebelling against our father’s words, I was the one who had to stay in the middle. I was the one who had to keep a straight face and choose sides because I was the only one who was fairly neutral in the fight. As the youngest, you seem to see the burdens and scars that everyone tries to hide. You hear the quiet sobs in the late night, the sounds of frustrations and the somber expression behind smiles. In quiet rooms, people confess their side to you, saying that the others’ don’t understand. The burden of the youngest isn’t exactly something that’s stereotyped in society; people more so treat us as if we’re spoiled rotten and yeah, to a certain extent of age, maybe that reality holds true, but after that time limit, it’s every man for himself.
Your parents get older. They get more stuck in their ways and less lenient. They have more experience, but that also means that they got burned more, too. It’s not like I’m learning with them and going through life with them. They’ve already established themselves, and now they’re trying to enforce the best life that they believe in. It’s out of love, but it feels suffocating.
If you have an older sibling, it’s worse, honestly. They get married and have their own lives, but they still pop in from time to time, saying their advice, but their advice changes every time. Sometimes they get so caught up in their own lives they forget you exist. It’s a lonely experience, people leave, from moving on to passing away. You’re the one who gets to spend the least amount of time with your family and life seems like it’s speeding by. I hate to admit it, but there are days that I wish everything stopped moving. I used to want to grow up, I wanted to leave my small hometown. I wanted to be like my brother, but now? Seeing everything as it is, rather than in lenses, I’m not sure what I want from life now. Maybe time? Maybe understanding? I’m not sure, but I hope I find what I’m looking for.
Stay safe.
