Hey stranger,
I hope you’ve been alright, but if not, that’s okay, too. It’s been a rough couple of days for me, too.Trust never came easy to me. Maybe it was because I grew up knowing about the duality of man. Even the people I should’ve been able to trust, like parents, teachers and best friends, I never found myself actually letting in. They were there, and we were close, they’d tell me everything about their lives, but I’d just sit there and try to process how they could even begin to be so open about their lives. I was jealous in a way, but I also knew that I was protecting myself from ‘danger’. So when I realized I found a partner, I trusted them. I learned to let people in. I learned that some people actually won’t hurt me. It was a foreign feeling, but slowly and softly, I learned. But recently an old friend of his reached out, she was someone my partner liked, but had a falling out with because of her ‘toxic’ tendencies. He told me every single detail, but I hated the idea of them reconnecting. She told him that she didn’t understand the full story and now that she understands the fault in her ways.
The reality is, I compared myself to her. She’s a natural blonde beauty, the type of girl that guys don’t find hard to fall for, even a part of the cheer team. And, I am everything but. Compared to her, I’m not pretty, I’m not even fit. I hate the thoughts of comparison, but it clouds my mind like a disease. I told him about it, and he comforted me in every way possible, but I just couldn’t unsee the perfection in her, despite his words. So when she asked him to meet up, I had a panic attack. I thought that the person who has become such an important part of my life was going to leave me again, because that’s what everyone does. People leave when they find something better and I’m so terrified of that reality. I expressed my discomfort once again, and he told me that he wouldn’t meet with her, if my anxiety increased that much and if I was that uncomfortable. I thanked him, but I hate this feeling. I wished that I could just logic my way out of it because realistically I know that he loves me. I know that he cares about me, but I just am so scared that he’ll see me in the same way I do. When I talked to her, she even called him the one that got away, which didn’t even help me in the slightest.
For as long as I’ve remembered, my insecurities sprouted from the smallest comments to the expressions people made when I said my peace. And in the short time I’ve been alive, friends have told me that they leave when they find someone more exciting, more pretty, more charismatic. I’ve never been good enough to stay. Every single experience has reinforced that ideology and I know that there are people out there who wouldn’t. But, it’s just so terrifying to place actual trust in people and let them into my life.
Stay safe.
