Content Warnings: Anxiety, Academic Stress, Burnout, Social Pressures
Hello Stranger,
How’ve you been? I hope you’ve been well, but if not, that’s alright too! I’m currently a junior in high school, and if I’m being completely honest, I’m so overwhelmed and just burnt out. I hate how numbers dictate how good of a student someone is. I hate the social pressures of needing to achieve certain milestones by a specific age. I hate not knowing what’s coming up, and I hate the feeling that I’m constantly falling behind. I feel like I’m grasping at loose threads that break as soon as I finally grab them. My grades have been slowly coming down and I can’t stop them. I feel like I’m in a constant loop of being unmotivated and lost. Math, especially calculus, is my worst class. It’s not that I hate it, but I am not good at it, and it adds even more stress because I plan to major in physics in college.
My friends are all out dating people and living their best lives, but I feel like I’m constantly falling behind them too. I’ve had boyfriends, but I never felt safe enough to be affectionate with them. So I haven’t had my first kiss, nor my first date, while everyone in my friend group has. I know everyone moves at their own pace, but it still feels like a weight on my shoulders. I’m scared for the future. Everything feels so dependent on tests, and I’m terrible at memorizing things. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to be comfortable enough with someone to be affectionate, even as an adult. I wish I was a more balanced person, like being able to be flexible and accommodating, but I’m not, so I can’t help but to feel as if I’m the problem.
It’s pretty scary being a teenager, especially as a girl. Some guys are overly touchy, while others just flat-out ignore you. People disregard your problems if you’re pretty or smart, because they think you have it easy, but if you don’t keep up with the latest trends, you can’t talk to the girls who do. Every conversation is either about dating or grades, and it drives me crazy. For people at my school, leaving the state is the worst thing you can do, but I’m planning to do exactly that, which earns me weird looks. When I tell them I want to major in physics, I get so many questions. I tell people about my dream schools and they laugh. I feel so alone, even if I’ve known these kids my whole life, and it’s pretty bad right now, but someday, when this all gets better, I’ll be able to smile and move on.
It’ll be okay, I promise.
