Content Warnings: Self-Deprecation, Depression
Dear stranger,
How’ve you been? I hope you are well, even if you haven’t been, that’s okay too. Lately, I’ve felt like everything is changing around me. Nothing feels stable enough anymore, and it feels like everything I hold as an anchor in my life falls through my fingers. Everything toxic stays and everything changes, I feel myself desperately clinging onto familiar things.
I feel as though everything I touch descends into chaos. I used to feel like I had everything, or nearly everything: good grades, friends, a bright future, hobbies/bands I loved, and a family I could lean on. Now I feel like the things I love are changing. My grades are slipping; I feel so insecure in my classes, and it feels as though I can do nothing right in class. As though I know nothing and I’m so stupid to understand a simple concept. I have different opinions than my friends, and I find myself constantly comparing myself against them. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel like I’m falling behind them and their skills.
The future seems so bleak for me, I don’t even know what I love anymore. It’s like everything I do will lead to nothing, like all my efforts are going to be in vain. The people in the bands I love turn out to be bad people or stop making music completely. I don’t have time for hobbies anymore, and I feel like I’m such an empty person inside and out. As for my family, my brother’s getting married soon and I’m so happy for him, but I think we’ll probably grow distant over time. Awkward family dinners and arguments over who gets what. That leaves me and my parents, but I’m graduating high school soon and I’ll be on my own and that’s fine, but that’s really scary.
I wonder if I’m the problem, if I’m that unlucky to taint everything I love around me, that I curse everything that comes around me. Or maybe I’m not good enough to stay for. I’m trying to change for the better, but I’m not even sure what my problem is. I’m so lost and it feels like I’m walking in pitch darkness for so long. Even if I find the light, I would taint it accidentally. But, I’m not sure anymore about anything. Hopefully, I can figure it out soon though.
Stay safe!
