Content Warnings: Self-deprecation, social ostracization
Dear friend,
I’m not sure how I’m feeling. It’s a mixture of relaxed and sad. I’m struggling emotionally, and I’m at my breaking point. I know healing’s not an easy process, but I’m tired of feeling so down all the time. I deserve so much more than what I give myself. I’ve been struggling with mental illness for as long as I can remember. It used to be something I was ashamed of because I experienced the lows far too early. From my freshman year in high school, I lost a lot of friends, and gained some fake ones. And then at some point, I lost the fake ones too. I built my self-esteem and happiness on people who were temporary.
The truth is, I was searching for something I can only give myself. I am kind to mostly everyone around me, except myself. It’s a lot easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to myself. It’s funny because it was different when I was younger. I was less aware of my flaws, and hence was much kinder to myself.
I believe my inability to love myself now comes from the false perception that I’m still the same person I was before, which couldn’t be further from the truth. A lot can change in 10 years, and though I’ve changed a lot, some things just don’t sit right with me as an adult. When we’re children, it’s easy to treat ourselves with love and respect; it’s almost as if self-love is instinct. No one teaches us to love ourselves when we’re young. Self-love only becomes a challenge when our environment shows us that we are unworthy of love. But it’s important to take little steps toward loving yourself regardless of the environment you’re in.
From,
A friend
