Content Warnings: Academic and Work Stress, Seasonal Affective Disorder
Hello stranger,
How are you? I hope all’s been well. If not, then that’s okay too. I started school this week. It’s been a lot of work for me and a lot of stress, but it’s fun and exciting. Junior year—another 2 years and I’m out of high school. It’s so scary. All my life, all I wanted was to grow up and leave my hometown. But in the process, I think I forgot how to enjoy myself, how to spend my own childhood. I sit in class, listening to lectures and doing classwork. It’s nice learning new things. It’s exciting being able to talk to new people and talking to my friends. But every once in a while, I sit down in a quiet room and realize how lonely I am, how much I’ve missed out because of school and work. And that’s really terrifying, because at that moment, I’m willing to throw away everything for just a bit of genuine connection.
Something like 3 am coffee runs or hanging out at the playground after school. I feel so alone in a room full of friends, and sometimes I wish that I was sitting alone in my room instead. And maybe that’s the seasonal depression talking, or the ‘school is starting’ anxiety, but still. It’s such a humbling experience because everyone seems so friendly, and I’m being so outgoing during school, but the second I come home and sit on my bed, I feel like the loneliest person in the world. It feels like taking off a mask and it’s so exhausting, but I don’t know how to take it off in front of people.
I hate feeling like a burden, or being vulnerable in front of someone. I don’t like the other person feeling hurt for me. I’d like to just have fun conversations, but sometimes, it’s hard to talk about happy topics when you’re so stressed out about something. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why I can’t talk about myself or my problems. Maybe it’s deep rooted trust issues or low self confidence. But it’s always been like that. I always bottle everything in until I can’t anymore. And I really respect people who wear their hearts on their sleeves. It’s really admirable, and I can tell why they’re so lovable. I think it’s really brave and amazing that they can do that, and even if they do get hurt because of it, they always find a way to recover. But that’s not something I can do. And I’m willing to accept that, but it’s just really difficult pressing everything down.
I think a part of me grew up too fast. I always just forced myself to become more mature because I thought no one wanted to see my messy emotions or my stress factors. I didn’t, and I still don’t want people to know about my struggles because I think that they’re just my problems to deal with. I’m not really sure how to go about this anymore, but the only way is to really face it and just try to work through my habits.
Stay safe and remember that people love you.
