Content Warnings: Self deprecation, depression, anxiety and academic stress
Dear stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well, even if you’re not, that’s okay too. I have an interview on Monday for a medical internship. Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing with myself anymore. It feels like time is moving really quickly lately and I can’t even catch a breath or rest. I grew up with people saying that I was smart and a natural born leader, but lately, I’m just tired. I think for the longest time, I just kept saying that I was alright, that I was motivated to keep going. But I think I’m beginning to not be able to lie to myself anymore. I feel so lonely and worthless. At the same time, I’m acting like I’m on top of the world and above everyone else. And I know that it’s a front. But I think I’m just really afraid of the future and letting people know how I really am. Because I’m just a nervous wreck who’s too scared to do anything about it.
Truth be told, I really miss my childhood. I miss the days where I’d wonder when the day would end and would be excited to wake up the next day. When everything seemed alright and functioning. When grades didn’t matter and people didn’t expect much out of you. But even then, I was rushing to grow up because I didn’t want to stay in my hometown. I wasn’t cheated out of my childhood, but I was always looking into the future rather than living in the present. A part of me wishes I was able to be childish when I was a kid, but having an older brother who was leaving for college at 5 years old, I never really had the chance. From the second my brother was rejected from his dream school, my parents pushed me to be the best. Their expectations soon became mine and now I’m the hardest person on myself. And I’m really talented in making myself feel suffocated.
I think I’m really scared of the future, of myself, of failure. Even of this interview. I’m tired: I’m tired of crying, I’m tired of trying, I’m just tired of everything. The silver lining? I’m not quite sure of that yet. Maybe there is one, or maybe not. But I think that’s okay for now.
Stay safe!
