Content Warnings: Suicidal thoughts/tendencies, Self-Harm, Anxiety, Depression, rehabilitation
I have lived a sheltered life. When I was younger, I thought my life was pretty normal. However, the older I got, the more I realized that it wasn’t. I’ve never felt that I could be close to anyone because of how isolated my family is from my town’s community. My father believes that it’s our family versus the whole world and that we should be extremely cautious of outsiders. I understand why he thinks that way and that he wants to protect my older brother and me; he was a victim of child abuse, and, from what I know, he never went into therapy for that or any other issues. It is not surprising since it is common for black people to not address certain issues like that, let alone with a therapist.
It is very hard to become the person I want to be because of how much I worry about what my parents will think. I am still nervous about asking to do certain things by myself, such as taking a walk outside or going somewhere with a friend of mine. I have always been nervous, and it makes me feel ashamed of myself that I let my fears get the best of me. I am trying my best to slowly leave this situation; it is not like I am being physically abused, but many things happened in the past that further justify my reason for wanting to leave.
Honestly, I have been depressed since I was either 12 or 13 years old. It could’ve been due to my home life, being bullied at school, feeling lonely, etc. I began harming myself and tried to strangle myself, but I couldn’t do it. As the years went by, I became more and more depressed and developed anxiety symptoms. I was in a relationship that was emotionally and sexually abusive when I was 16; I thought they were someone I could trust. Even after breaking up with them, I wanted to maintain a friendship because I believed they would kill themselves. Of course, I ended that “friendship,” but it truly affected the way I saw people, especially potential romantic partners. I still think that people are out to get me, and I shouldn’t let anyone get close to me because, eventually, they will hurt me. No one is truly worth trusting.
Things continued to escalate in 2020 and 2021. Being at home most of the time, including spending my senior year in front of a computer for 7+ hours every day, truly drained me. I missed being at school. I harmed myself several times and tried strangling myself again before I graduated. I continued to self-harm in 2022 and had suicidal thoughts daily. I had letters prepared as well.
I attempted suicide in late September 2022. I was taken to the ER and later to a psychiatric hospital after telling a guidance counselor at my college. It was a very strange, stressful, and anger-inducing experience. I felt guilty for what I did to my family. Still, I told them several times that I was depressed, and I was only told that I was ungrateful and that I should pray my problems away. When I was at the hospital, my folks were a mess. My father blamed my mother and brother, while my brother blamed himself for not doing more to help. I never told my father the deeper reason why I’m depressed; even after trying to kill myself, I am still scared to tell him the truth. I don’t think he will ever understand. Thankfully, I have my mother and brother to speak to about my mental health.
So many things have happened over the past couple of years. Sometimes I don’t like the fact that I am still alive. I still contemplate suicide from time to time, albeit to a lesser extent compared to the past. I can’t kill myself because my family would be broken. On a lighter note, at least I got diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Putting a diagnosis on my problems has helped. I am trying to slowly work my way up to independence, including taking the steps to get my driver’s license and saving money. Before I graduate from college next year, I want to try to be more involved on campus. Hopefully, I can get a job there as well.
I’m trying my best to have hope for the future; it’s very hard. I don’t know what’s in store for me. I’d like to prove myself wrong and see that I have plenty to live for, and that the future is not just doom and gloom. I don’t know. It’s easier to tell people to keep going than to tell myself that.
