Content Warnings: Social Anxiety, Fear of Rejection
Dear Reader,
This is a kind of happy letter, actually. Well, partially. I would say about 25 percent sad and 75 percent happy? I’m not too sure, but I guess I’ll let you judge for yourself.
Today was an interesting day. I made a friend, I think, and I’m slightly excited to see where this relationship goes. We’ve texted back and forth for hours on end now, talking about our favorite shows and movies and everything in between. They recommended a personalized playlist by an artist I have just started listening to, and I gave a running commentary as I listened to each song. I feel like we are bonding over our shared music taste and hobbies, and I really hope this can become a great friendship.
But I also feel this foreboding sense that something bad might happen. I don’t know if it’s my anxiety speaking, as it usually does, or if I might be right. I find myself to be someone who falls too fast. Sure, in the romantic sense, sometimes. But more so in the platonic sense. I get attached way too easily, and it doesn’t take me long to want to go to the world’s end for someone. I am afraid of getting attached, though. I’ve been burned too many times to let myself get attached so easily, and I feel like I need to pause, step back, and disassociate.
I find myself torn in my mind, war waging over whether to fall quickly once again, or to put up those boundaries and wait. Should I watch and see if I can truly trust this person—someone I have never met before—or should I allow myself to be attached? Do I give myself that bit of freedom to emotionally bond with someone? Am I making the same mistake I have made in the past, dooming myself to a fate of forever repeating it? These questions now haunt me, even as I cheerfully (and rather excitedly) text them back, listening to more recommendations, sending my own favorites, and genuinely bonding.
I really hope this one works out. Putting it out into the universe, in writing, that I am praying it works out. I might act like I don’t want friends, but I’ve just been burned too many times. I really do want more friends, so please let this work.
I think this was rather happy, with some sad letters, right? Hopefully this works out, and if it doesn’t, well, I will probably update you here. Have a wonderful day/night.
