Content Warnings: Swearing, trust issues, emotional abuse, sex
Dear stranger,
How’ve you been? I hope you’ve been well, if not, that’s quite alright too. Summer vacation has given me time to think about myself in more ways than one, and one of the things I’ve realized is that I love the idea of love. Talking to someone for hours on end, surprising each other with presents, writing poems and letters about them, having dates, dancing in the rain, and even living together. The idea of soft and passionate affection has me in a chokehold, but the more I think of myself in a relationship, the more I stray away from actually having one.
I find it incredibly hard to trust others. I’ve always just lived with the mindset that people will find a way to screw me over. Ultimately, the fear of trusting others has blossomed in me without myself noticing it. So the thought of sharing my thoughts and relying on someone else scares me in a way. I hate when people give me gifts or do kind gestures because I can’t handle the fact that I might lose that person. And my past has proven that to me. Maybe it’s that I’ve been surrounded by terrible people or that I always find a way to mess everything up. Even with friends, I tend to not talk about myself, I gloss over details, and no one really bothers to ask me about my life.
Maybe getting into a relationship is hopeful thinking for me, but I would really like some innocent affection. In the past, I’ve only had three. The first person hated it when I talked to other people but wouldn’t even talk to me when I tried to reach out. The second guy was sweet, but he just wanted the affection and title of dating a girl. The third guy just wanted a physical relationship, in other words, s*x. In hindsight, I’ve just dated terrible people. They had good qualities on the surface but were all manipulative in the end. I wouldn’t say they’ve ruined me, but they’ve had their negative impacts in different ways.
I know this letter has been all over the place, but your ‘problems’ are not entirely your fault. It’s a collective blame, but how you deal with those ‘issues’ affect your personality and how people view you. It’s important to understand that you’re not at fault for having trust issues; maybe it was the people around you or the environment you grew up in. Maybe it was even your family that triggered your fear of people. Not everyone is a bad person, but nothing is black and white. When you can, look at the person in front of you and give them a chance. A chance to prove yourself wrong, that in fact, there are wonderful people in the world. Not everyone is out to get you and maybe someday, you might meet someone who will light up your world. Someone you can write letters to, someone you can talk to for hours on end, even someone who is willing to dance in the rain with you, just to see you smile.
Stay safe
