Letter #137

Content Warning: Self-deprecation, body dysmorphia, body image, weight, negative social comparisons


My college roommate is pretty much perfect. We went random and on paper, I would say that our university made a pretty good match. Unfortunately, for an insecure gal like me, being roommates with the perfect girl is not all too fun.


One of my only stipulations before going to school was that I did not want to be the “ugly roommate.” I know that sounds evil, and I’m sure most people probably don’t see us that way, but that is how I feel. I am the ugly roommate. I’m also the fat, slob, dirty, messy, trashy, gross, smelly, loud, weird, and crazy roommate. I love my roommate with all my heart and feel like if I wasn’t so insecure, we would have been friends. In reality, I know that if we hadn’t been paired together by the housing gods, we never would have even crossed paths. Or if we had crossed paths somewhere, I would have been left thinking, “Oh my gosh, I wish I looked like that girl.” 


I am a size ten sharing a room with a size two. She eats constantly and hasn’t gained a pound. She loves running and being “healthy.” She probably really is healthy. She goes to bed at midnight and wakes up at eight-thirty every day. She makes me feel like crap. Never once has this girl said an unkind word to me, yet somehow, she is my biggest opposition.


If we are ever in a group setting, I am automatically looked over because my roommate is the most gorgeous person there. I might be funny, but she’s pretty. My laugh might be contagious, but hers is adorable. My room decor might be cute, but hers is cuter. I’m short; she’s shorter. I’m Pre-Law; she is PoliSci. I know life isn’t a contest, but why do I constantly feel like a loser in the space where I am supposed to be my most confident self?


One thing I do to try and find peace in the situation is positive self-talk (something I’m not always good at). It is okay to have flaws. It is okay to be human. No one knows the real you; only you know who you are. Everyone has flaws; some people just choose to be (or can’t be) more vulnerable about them. Kudos to me for being strong enough to be vulnerable about my flaws and open them up to the world.


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