Letter #129

Content Warning: anxiety, panic attacks, academic stress, hypersensitivity

Mental health was always something that was taboo/unspoken about in my environment growing up. I had no idea what I was going through until I was old enough to do my own research and know that what I was going through was okay and that nothing is fundamentally wrong with me. I was always considered the “mature,” “independent” child who could handle herself and who didn’t need anyone or anything.

This led to me struggling to ask for help when I really needed it, shutting down, and pushing people away. I saw seeking help as a sign of vulnerability, and I became dependent on myself only, so it was hard to let people in. But behind all of that was an extremely anxious person, who didn’t know how to handle her own thoughts. In addition to that, I am very sensitive and feel things strongly. So I didn’t know how to handle any of that. I thought something was wrong inside of me and I didn’t know how to fix it. This cluelessness on how to deal with my thoughts and emotions led to panic attacks and hyper-fixation in academia, because in my head it was either I was great or nothing. I can say I’m very self aware, I know what I’m feeling and I know what’s happening, but I don’t know how to deal with how intense it all is at times. I am in therapy, so I am working on it and I’m learning how to cope and learn with everything a bit better, but sometimes there is still that voice in my head that tells me that it’s useless and that I’m not going to get anywhere and that deep down it’s not fixable. However, here’s to shutting that voice up!

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