Hi honey,
I’ve been exploring EMDR in therapy for the last six months or so. If you are not familiar with EMDR, it pretty much means revisiting difficult memories/experiences in your life and changing the narrative around them. For me, it’s been taking bite-sized chunks of my experiences and starting with negative beliefs I have about myself — “I’m too much”, “I’m not enough”, “I’m an idiot”, “I’m not attractive”, etc. — and turning them into more positive narratives. Giving myself grace for all the ways I have tried my best over the years. It’s heavy work. I’ve always avoided memories, difficult emotions, anything that would define me as messy. And although the healing has been good, it has been equally heavy. This sadness I’ve ignored for a long time; now that I’ve touched on it, it is everywhere. It’s both freeing and heavy. I’m so much more sensitive to everything than I would have previously defined myself. One thing might be okay, but there’s this, then issues at work, issues with family. Things pop up and my body is feeling the toll. I’m constantly grinding my teeth, which is new, and that gives me a headache. I’m experiencing heartburn, constantly exhausted. It’s a lot, and I’ve been exploring resources for my mental health, time off from work for my PTSD when I need it, but even that feels wrong. I’m more comfortable saying I need time off for a physical symptom than an emotional one because it feels more socially acceptable. While I am giving myself more grace, sometimes my environment does not. I may be accepting of my limitations, my struggles, everything that makes me human and all these negative narratives I am getting away from, but someone is always willing to try to remind me. I had someone I considered a friend yesterday tell me that I am selfish and only think of myself when I set boundaries and communicate what I need, that if she was my partner she would not put up with me, and that she is so strong she that she doesn’t need therapy like me.
I’ll say this to you because sometimes it’s easier to love another than it is to love yourself: You are a human being. You are allowed to be messy, mad, angry, guilty, and any other emotion that you need to be. Every emotion is necessary. Anger for change, sadness or grief to show you how much you’ve loved, how much you are capable of, guilt to show you where you might want to change. You’re allowed to feel your emotions without hating yourself for them. And you’re allowed to need/use whatever tools you need to make it through – whether that be therapy, distance, people, whatever. Therapy has taught me that we find our own coping skills throughout our life, whatever allows us to survive moment to moment, and even if one day those coping skills no longer serve us, if they end up hurting us, they were once necessary, and they saved you. You deserve to love yourself. You don’t have to be so hard on yourself.
Wishing you all the best,
Your friend, B
Tags: EMDR, therapy, self-care, interpersonal conflict
