Content Warnings: body dysmorphia, disordered eating, self-esteem issues, teasing/bullying
Dear Reader,
I want to share my journey with mental health, particularly my struggles with body image and self-esteem. Growing up, I vividly remember being called ugly by classmates, friends, and even my own mother. It hurt deeply, and while I tried to brush it off, those words stuck with me, especially coming from people who were supposed to support me.
My insecurities began in elementary school when I got a bad haircut. I was teased for having short, puffy hair and wished desperately for long, straight locks like the other girls. This was compounded by a doctor’s visit at age nine when I was told I was “a little overweight.” My mom often reminded me of this, saying I needed to lose weight. I knew I was a bit chubby, but I didn’t care until it was pointed out. This marked the start of my obsession with changing how I looked, affecting my eating habits, clothing choices, and self-image.
In middle school, I decided to permanently straighten my hair and began dressing for myself, which helped me feel a bit more comfortable. I even lost some weight and, for a moment, felt pretty. However, I couldn’t help but compare myself to the other girls who seemed to have it all: effortless beauty and confidence. This led to a cycle of wanting to change more about myself, pushing me deeper into obsession.
My daily routine shifted as I became fixated on my appearance. I often skipped breakfast, focusing instead on perfecting my makeup and finding “cooler” clothes. In my desire to be thinner, I would go without eating throughout the day, often just having dinner. This unhealthy approach to my body left me feeling trapped in a battle with myself. And honestly I don’t remember the last time I ate breakfast, but I know it was years ago.
Things escalated when I ended up in the hospital twice due to dehydration and extremely low blood sugar. The pain from my period cramps became unbearable, and I was told by doctors that I wasn’t eating enough to care for myself. Despite these wake-up calls, I remained focused on fitting into an unattainable ideal, ignoring the messages my body was sending me.
Even today, I’m still searching for ways to improve myself. I’m learning to wear less makeup and sometimes straighten my hair the night before. I’m focusing on dressing in a way that I like and that makes me feel good about myself. I’m also trying to adjust my morning routine to include preparing small snacks or meals to take to school. I realize that my previous morning routine wasn’t necessary; I don’t need to spend hours getting ready just to feel presentable. Additionally, I’m making an effort to catch up on sleep more, recognizing how important it is for my overall well-being.
