Content Warnings: Self deprecation, depression, social stress
Hello Stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well, but even if you haven’t been, that’s okay too. Have you ever felt lonely in a group of friends? I’ve never been one to put myself out there because I was always fine alone. I would just plug in headphones and forget the world around me, but recently I got more involved and talked to more people. I got to hang out with a lot of people and this past summer I barely had any time to rest because of it, but after every hangout, I still feel lonely. It’s mentally draining, especially because in one of my friend groups, there was one person I really liked, but I ended up playing matchmaker for him. And I’m happy for him because I don’t think I could’ve given the same type of affection she gives him. They seem really happy together, but I can’t help but to wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t said anything. If I hadn’t played matchmaker. I really hate this selfish side of me, but the thoughts creep in as I watch them being in love. But I’m still happy for them, they’re both my friends and I love them both.
I feel so alone, and when people are talking to me it feels like I’m the worst person alive because I’m not used to so many people talking to me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s so difficult to move on because it feels like I’m trying to run on quicksand. After every conversation I just feel like a piece of me was taken by that person, and I feel lonelier than ever. It’s hard for me to believe that these people like me, that my friends actually like me because they’ve given me reasonable evidence for me to believe that. I’m not someone special to anyone, I’m a friend who’s just there. And I can’t help but to feel like I don’t matter. And after feeling like that for so long, it’s hard to believe otherwise. I don’t like facing my feelings and writing these letters is the only time I can actually think about how I feel. And I guess this is the truth, I feel like the loneliest person in a room filled with friends. I don’t feel special, I don’t feel appreciated, I don’t feel understood and honestly, it takes a toll on me after a while. I’m tired, and I tried, but I guess this is how it is.
But I suppose wallowing in these feelings isn’t going to change anything, so I just need to keep pushing through. I just need to talk to more people, I just need to reach out more. But it’s getting really hard. And maybe I’m just selfish, maybe it’s just me that’s the problem. Maybe, I’m just broken and unfixable. But honestly, I don’t even know where to start. I’m just so lost. A part of me just wants to believe that it’s just a phase, that it’ll end. But, another part of me understands that I’ve felt like this all of my life. So it makes me so much more afraid of the future.
Thank you for reading and stay safe out there!
