Content Warning: social anxiety, social ostracization
Dear stranger,
I hope you’re well, but even if you’re not, that’s okay too. The past week I’ve been looking into the past: my mistakes and miracles that have happened to me in the last sixteen years. When I was in fifth grade, there was a friend group I had. It was me and four guys. It was really fun to hangout with them. I wasn’t really feminine in elementary school, I wore the same red hoodie and jeans each day along with blue sneakers. We played tag, always running around. It was easier for me to bond with boys rather than girls because I had an older brother.
As time progressed, that changed. I liked a boy named C, and I got rejected at the beginning of the year. I wasn’t upset or anything, but it turned out he liked my friend and ignored me for half the year. In the latter half, we got really close again and even helped me get my first “relationship,” if you can even call it that. It lasted half a year and ended up messy. It turned into a “who did what” and pointing fingers situation (we were immature). After COVID, I lost contact with most of the group. When we came back, two of the boys confessed to me: they were the ones I enjoyed talking with, but just platonically. Especially because my friend liked one of them, the same friend C liked.
C and V (one of the boys that confessed to me) stayed in close contact after COVID. I really tried to do the same, but having different classes didn’t really help, nor the confessions. I had an elective with W (the boy I “dated”), and it was awkward. He mentioned that I was his longest relationship. It didn’t sit well with me, but we became friends again. To an extent, I enjoyed our conversations and was clearly reminded why I’d liked him, but it was just nice. Nothing more and nothing less. This past year, I saw all of them, in the halls or just passing on the streets. C and V are probably the closest out of all our relationships, but J (the other guy that confessed to me) and V are still friends as well. Me and W are the only ones out of the loop. And that honestly made me very upset, in a way, because I loved talking to them. I loved hanging out and talking about nonsense, along with harsh humor. I loved all of them, in different ways, but I still loved them nonetheless. I was upset at myself and frustrated.
But looking back on it now, I think we would’ve grown further apart, nonetheless, as time passed. We’d get different friends and create new groups, and in a way I think that might’ve hurt more than the outcome I’ve received. I just hope they’re happy in their own ways. It’s important to note that people grow and change. Maturing and growing apart is just a part of life. Though, it is really unfortunate. Just remember that there are more people out there than you think and that it’s important to give meeting new people a chance.
Stay safe.
