Content Warning: Anxiety, depression, self-harm, familial trauma, disordered eating, insomnia
Dear reader,
I read a quote somewhere that struck me deep inside my heart, and it’s been swirling inside my mind for a while now. It was a long quote but to summarize: self harm doesn’t have to be something big or visible; sometimes it can be as simple as sleeping less, skipping a few meals, or denying yourself things that make you happy. I don’t know why this quote is resonating with me. Well, actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly why. I’m just too afraid to admit it.
Mental health was never the biggest thing, or even a thing at all, as I grew up. I don’t blame my family for it, but I definitely grew up with this ideal that my mental health was…not important, that I didn’t have depression or anxiety or anything else because I was “normal”. I grew up fearing getting sent to an asylum, or losing control of myself due to medications. Why would I ever want to admit to anything?
Now, when I look at myself, I wish I could go and yell at the younger me to get help. That it was okay to get help. Because now, as I navigate the world as an adult, I find myself regressing back to those negative habits. This time, though, there is no need for me to hide by doing anything in moderation. Now, with nobody to “look after” me, I can skip more than one meal a day, every day. I can take pleasure in the hunger pangs and the dizziness and the pain. Now, with no enforced bedtimes, I find myself sleeping less and less, jarring myself awake to ensure I don’t have a restful sleep. I can take pride in that I can only get through with the essentials of the day, not ‘useless’ things like hobbies and socializing. Now, I use my busy schedule as an excuse to work and work without rest till I completely burn out. I find myself no longer indulging in hobbies or socializing or having fun. I don’t think I deserve it.
But when people ask, I tell them what they want to hear. Of course I’m eating 3 meals a day, all healthy and nutritious with the occasional indulgence in sweets (sometimes I eat one meal every 24 hours and I purposefully cut my portion size in half). Of course I’m sleeping at least 7 to 8 hours a day (I sleep 4 or 5 hours a night and I often wake up in the middle). Of course I enjoy my hobbies and socializing (I haven’t left the house for anything besides work in the past month). I don’t really know what to do, because I don’t want to stop. I need to, I know. But I don’t want to.
