Letter #146

Content Warning: social anxiety, emotional abuse, body dysmorphia , bullying


In the seventh grade, there was this boy whose locker was close to mine. At the time, I considered us somewhat friends, as we had known each other since elementary school and talked often. All of a sudden, that changed. 


I have always been self-conscious about everything since I can remember: the way I speak, look, act, smile, and anything you can imagine. It gets exhausting to worry so much. But at my then-young age, I was not overly concerned, as kids did not care much about looks and clothes and brands and such. I felt that I could be myself and people would like me for me. 


One day, it started. I don’t know what switched in the boy’s head, but he started making sly remarks about my looks. The one name that destroyed me was “big eyes.” He would stretch his eyes out and mock me constantly, bringing me to tears and making me dread going to school. Not only would he say it to me, but he would yell it in front of our classmates, pushing me to maximum embarrassment levels. He ruined my year, to say the least. 


Looking back, I know he meant it as a joke, but I wish the world would realize the extent to which words can affect a person. I think I have always had a bit of social anxiety, but that year really pushed me over the edge. I find it hard to go in public by myself for the fear of people staring and judging me, even when I know they do not care. Talking to new people, and even my friends, makes my heart race and my vision waiver. I wish I did not feel like throwing up every time a new situation arises.


To this day, I still struggle with social anxiety, and I feel like it is worse than ever. At the same time, I remind myself to take it one day at a time. The motto I live by is “fake it till you make it” because it really is true. You can only fake something for so long until it turns into reality.


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