Letter #117

Content Warnings: anxiety, helplessness, overthinking, detachment, pessimism


I’ve never been good at talking about myself. My go-to has always been to keep things inside, which seems to work well enough, as there was no one to really listen to me or relate to what I’ve been going through. But because I kept things inside, I’ve struggled with feelings of anxiety, anger and frustration, fear, overthinking, and blankness/detachment. I’ve dealt with these negative thoughts and feelings for so long, letting them overwhelm me before pushing them down, trying to smother them completely.


That didn’t work, and eventually it all boiled over, exploding out of me like an uncontrollable volcano. I couldn’t stop it, and the aftermath was messy. Either way, these feelings, the hole I had fallen into – I realized after letting it all out, that there was no one who could help me. I was lost and confused. I couldn’t really share what I was feeling to friends or family in a way that they could understand, and there were no doctors or counselors who could lead me in the right direction.


Feeling hopeless, I began ambling down the internet, trying to find anything that could help. I guess you could say I took the long, more difficult route, trying a bunch of coping methods like breathing techniques, counting, distracting myself, and journaling. Would I say I’m better? Not completely. I still feel and think things that I shouldn’t; I still doubt things that are good or exaggerate the bad. I still look at the pessimistic side of things and find it difficult to open up or look at myself in a good light. I don’t think those thoughts will ever truly go away, but I would like to think that as I try, it will get smaller and, bit by bit, not seem so all-encompassing.


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