Letter #116

Content Warnings: unhealthy relationship

 

Something that has unapologetically occupied my mind is the existence of my first relationship. While relationships, love, and intimacy can be represented everywhere, this relationship was not the ideal love I had fantasized about ever since I was young.

 

I wish my current self could travel back in time and warn my naive and innocent self of the dangers ahead. However, I realize that despite my resentment and the harsh experiences I faced, 17-year-old me was merely desperate to seek love. Ultimately, I just wanted to be held dearly and experience the love that everyone around me has already experienced. I did not care who the love came from or about the harsh behavior inflicted upon me. I did not care if the relationship controlled my behavior, cognition, and emotion, as long as I knew that I was lovable and proved to others that I was.

 

Throughout those 557 days, my innocence slowly dissipated. Despite being given all the reasons to maintain the resentment, I was able to realize what I know now ,by taking the time to reflect. I was able to find myself again and establish a strong sense of self. I realize my 17-year-old self was deeply hurt, and the current 19-year-old me could never hate her for enduring the pain and convincing herself to stay despite the reasons not to. By knowing who I am now and not allowing the same pain to repeat, I feel that my 17-year-old self is receiving the justice she deserves. I have let go of the emotional turmoil connected to the relationship, but I do not forgive the person I was involved with. Back then, I did not understand that the situation would improve–but now I know that it always will.

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