Content Warnings: Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, sexual activity, swearing, alcohol consumption, substance abuse
I am so tired. Just exhausted. My body is wiped, and this has been happening every day. I just don’t know what to do. This is the first time in a while that I’m starting to feel symptoms of depression sink in again and it’s alarming. ‘Just Dance’ isn’t helping which makes me so sad because I usually LOVE ‘Just Dance’. I want to love it again and I’m scared I won’t.
And I’m masturbating and drinking again, two quick hits of dopamine I thought I kicked. I meditated the other day and it helped momentarily, but I’m still so anxious. And when I’m not anxious I’m exhausted because the anxiety has drained me of all my energy. I think I’m reaching my breaking point. Not like suicide or anything but something has to change because I can feel myself getting burnt out. It’s like I know everything I have to get done – it legit plagues me every second of every day – and I can’t muster the energy to get everything done because I have no energy left.
But what can I do? Can’t quit school, can’t quit working, and my personal projects – as much work as they are – are the only things giving me hope in this world.
It’s funny though, because as much mental turmoil as I’m in, I’m still the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m in a happy and healthy relationship, I have a wonderful family, great friends, and NO ADDICTIONS. Not severe at least. I mean, look at me. I’m journaling instead of watching TV. That’s gotta count for something.
I am insanely proud of myself for how far I’ve come. Lately, I’ve even been brushing my teeth twice a day. A year ago, I wasn’t brushing them at all. I’m gonna be okay. I just gotta figure out how to chill the f*** out. I am surrounded by warmth and love, and that’s all that really matters.
I’m so grateful for everything I have, and may God grant me some serenity, or at least enough for me to enjoy ‘Just Dance’ again. Love.
