Letter #112

Content Warnings: Alcohol use, therapy, medication, depression, self-resentment, substance recovery

Hi Journal. I’m not feeling bad per se, just trying to get in the habit of using this new coping skill. I’ve been constipated lately, which is annoying because I just know it’s due to the lack of exercise that began with not feeling up to playing Just Dance, and I’m still not going to force myself to do it because I don’t want to resent myself. I did drink cocktails last night, so I might end up feeling depressed today. Maybe I’ll take my cats for a walk in their stroller. Regardless, I’m committed to not drinking today, whether that means going to bed at eight or taking a nap in the middle of the day. The good news is I have a week of only one job before I start my new gig. I’m looking forward to the extra free time. Part of me knows I should be using it to practice self care but the other part of me is thinking of all the things I could get accomplished with that time: school, personal projects…but I’m confident in my ability to find a happy medium. Just gotta remember to keep brushing my teeth, taking my meds and taking a shower every day. I love you Self. Sending lots of kisses your way.

P.S. I’m so proud of you for texting all of your friends back last night, and for responding to your old therapist who you left on read for a week! Not a great sign that you were drunk when you did it, but you did it nonetheless and that counts for something. I’m also proud of you for living in the moment with your boyfriend’s nephew and for playing with him this morning. I know he was getting on your nerves yesterday, but your ability to be silly in the early hours of the morning and enjoy the simple things really brings me joy. I’m also proud of you for calling your parents…I need to be better about doing this reflection thing in the midst of my journaling. Whatever.

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