Letter #174


Content Warning: Anxiety, depression, self-deprecation, Alcohol abuse, body dysmorphia and insomnia


I need to vent. I feel so ashamed lately. My anxiety is out of control. Even though I know exercising can help, I just can’t seem to do it. I start every day saying, “this will be the day. I’m not avoiding it tonight, I will exercise,” but by three I’m exhausted and I can’t find it in me to do anything. Now, I’m going for a walk to get bubble tea. It will be around 60 minutes of walking, yet I still feel like a failure because I won’t be losing weight.


I’ve gained so much weight over the last couple months and it just keeps getting worse. My clothes don’t fit and at this point it’s hard for me to wear a bra because it makes me so much more aware of how disgusting I feel. I just want to cry. I can feel my body deteriorating; my eyes hurt from staring at the television, my upper body slouched over when I sit up, my unbrushed hair making me look like an amoeba on my zoom calls, and it’s like I can’t do anything to stop it. Now I’m struggling not to drink. When I do drink, I hate myself even more, unable to fathom why I’m like this. Why am I like this?


This is so hard, I feel like I have to stand and I don’t know if my legs have the strength. I have so many people in my life cheering me on from the sidelines. Though they offer to help in any way they can, I still can’t do it. I feel so worthless, so unproductive. I feel so mad at myself for all the things going wrong in the world and my inability to fix any of it. I have goals for myself that I’m failing to reach, day after day, all because I rarely have the energy to take care of myself, let alone other people.


I’m just so tired. Why does life have to be this exhausting? I guess the fact that I’m going on a walk is something. I pray to God I can do more intensive exercise tomorrow, that tonight when I come home I can finish my tasks and sleep without the anxiety that often plagues me when I’m all too aware of all the work I failed to complete that day. But for now I am walking for bubble tea, and that’s gotta be enough. It’s something, I suppose. 

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