Letter #78

Content Warnings: Depression, self-deprecation, anxiety, mentions of weight loss, seasonal affective disorder (SAD)


Seasonal Depression. The holiday season is upon us. It has been a hectic year for me. Additionally, if you live somewhere cold, with a side of wind or snow, you don’t feel like going out or doing anything remotely fun or anything at all. It’s easy to get lost in your head. At least it was for me. There were mostly negative thoughts, as I look back at all my failures and beat myself up over little mistakes. I also wish that I could have done anything a little differently; maybe things wouldn’t be as messy as they are now. Looking at all my friends’ successes, I felt like an odd duck. I felt out of place. Like I didn’t belong anywhere. After taking all these prerequisite classes, I did not get into any schools I applied to. I missed deadlines. I actually cried myself to sleep two nights in a row. As the days went by, it started to affect me physically: I lost weight, and there were dark circles under my eyes. Anxiety filled every nerve of my body. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. After a couple of weeks, I decided to take a mental health break.


I forced myself to go on walks despite the cold weather. I practiced a self-care routine. I also listened to comedy podcasts or funny videos when I stayed in. Repeating positive affirmations when I get out of bed. I also talked about how I felt to my family and friends. I remember my godmother telling me that there are much better plans for me. That I have to keep moving forward. I also started journaling again, which is a habit that I need to continue. I felt a lot better. I also took time to self-reflect. Change my habits. Furthermore, to formulate a plan B for myself as this year came to a close.


Always talk your feelings out, stay in touch with your loved ones during a crisis. Most importantly, take care of yourself, take mental breaks. You are not a robot. You may need some time to recharge after a fall-out. To recover. You owe yourself that.

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