Content Warnings: suicidal ideation, bullying, domestic abuse, depression
This is a collection of diary entries I have had since I was in middle school. These are not all of them, but I wanted to share a few with you so that you can see how my mindset evolved. As a note, I am not diagnosed with anything, not because I don’t have a disorder or mental illness, but simply because I do not have the resources or funds to do so right now. Please bear in mind that I was incredibly sad and angry when I wrote some of these entries. I don’t have the mindset exhibited in these entries anymore, but I just thought that sharing how I felt about my situation at home and school at the time would be interesting. Thank you.
Sunday, 2nd September 2018, Middle School
Today’s a special day in my country, but I don’t know how to say it in English, so I’m not gonna say it. Anyway, this morning I had to exercise, which was boring. For lunch, I had sausages with stuffed cheese. It was okay—not my favorite but when it’s dipped in hot sauce…bon appetit! Now my dad’s home so…this sucks. Whoops sorry, it’s just my uncle lol. It’s 4:10 pm right now, pretty late. I’m doing my chemistry homework, which sucks. I hate this. By the way, I just dug up some pretty good rants on YouTube. Noice. Probably write more tomorrow and probably won’t write the following day because school sucks!
Monday, 10th December 2018, Middle School
I’ve been having headaches back and forth. This is so annoying, but I don’t–and never–want to annoy other people like my family and/or friends. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Stress has been a big problem lately. Like I said/wrote in the last note, classmates have been bullying me for a while (2 days), and the urge of wanting to die increases!
But with all of that negative stuff out of the way, finals are coming to an end, and our yearbook photoshoot is finally coming near. I’m not too excited about it, though. I kinda don’t want to go. Please help.
And! My “friend” just criticized me for not caring about myself. If you know me, you’ll know I don’t care about myself!
Tuesday, 21st May 2019, Middle School
I’m stressed, tired, angry, and sad. I wanted to ask my mom why does everyone in this household hate me so much, but I didn’t. I already know the answer to that question. When I don’t express anything, does it mean I don’t feel anything? Of course not. People just don’t understand who you are, and you’ve experienced too many lies that you decide to not trust people anymore. You start to pretend, put on a mask, and act as if you were happy. My mom doesn’t understand my pain. But still, she tries to guess ahead, keeping her head high and mighty as if she knows everything. And it hurts. She acts as if she knows me, but she doesn’t. She tries to know me without being nice. She’s hopeless.
6:35 pm, Monday, 26th August 2019, Middle School
My dad has been telling me to get lost for a few days now—kinda depressed LMAO—but I’m used to it. He said I was selfish for cleaning my own dirty dishes and not cleaning anyone else’s dishes after breakfast yesterday. Have been crying myself to sleep ever since. I missed my class yesterday and really regretted it, but my dad and mom kept attacking me. I want to make enough money to move out. He said I’m hopeless, by the way. Fun stuff. Maybe I should just buy those pills off of the internet. I should’ve completed my plan months ago.
6:50 pm, Wednesday, January 2020, Middle School
Writing things down helps me with my depression that my mom thought I didn’t have! So that’s fun. Exactly (not really) this time last year, I thought about buying pills off of the internet (great idea), but they were so expensive so I couldn’t… My brother’s in 6th grade right now, so he doesn’t have to do shitty things our parents made me do when I was in 6th grade! Haha, funny story…Death calls me.
My mom sees herself as an amazing person, so when I pointed out her flaws… she told me to f*** off, basically. I remember so clearly that at one point, I showed her a book with certain things that resembled things that stuck in my head and needed help. She took a quick glance and laughed at me! Oh haha, funny joke! She told me depression didn’t exist and that I should go away so she could continue watching her TV show.
I don’t trust her anymore. Or anyone for that matter.
6:55 pm, Tuesday, 4th February 2020, Middle School
Mom tried to strangle me.
6:36 pm, Monday, 21st December 2020, High School
Everything is my fault. If I just didn’t open my mouth then people wouldn’t get angry; as long as I did as they said then everything would go smoothly. Hah! Who am I kidding? Even if I don’t open my mouth and speak, they will still find something wrong and need fixing about me. Yay. I need to go to a therapist. They kept degrading me, bullying me for my body, choking me, and all of that jazz. What am I supposed to do? Talk to a friend? LMAO I need help, not friends.
You know what, this whole paragraph makes no sense. In short, my mom just got home and yelled at me for nothing LOL (“If you didn’t want to cook then just tell me”, “If you’re so busy studying then our family could have just had fast food or something since you didn’t want to cook”). My dad also did what he does regularly (first thing he said: “Why haven’t you made dinner yet”), calling my mom to confirm that I am cooking. By the way, this was all before my mom came home. Oh he also, with my mom, blamed me for the smoking in the house that was done by my grandfather. Yay, best family.
12:51 pm, Monday, 8th February 2021, High School
I hate this, I hate everything. Whatever my brother left behind, I had to clean up. And when I don’t do it, I of course get scolded and yelled at while my brother got nothing. I’m watching sad videos to cheer me up (Note: it didn’t work).
11:47 pm, Wednesday, 15th August 2021, High School
My dad just came home last week I think. it’s only been like 3 days, and he’s been making a fuss since yesterday, I feel like s***. He just couldn’t just be alone and, in turn, leave me alone. He keeps starting arguments by himself.
Mom said I grew up too early, yeah YOU THINK?? Whose fault do you think that is?
I need therapy.
5:53 pm, Saturday, 18th December 2021, High School
Thinking I want to die is now a daily routine. Not that I didn’t think that before, it’s just way more frequent now. Like four or five or maybe 10 times per day?
7:05 pm, Saturday, 5th March 2022, High School
I’ve been sick lately (since Wednesday) due to Mom getting COVID. Dad bought me a banh mi Thursday morning! That’s the nicest thing he’s ever done since forever. It did slip my mind that maybe after all these years he isn’t so bad after all…Well, comparing this to how he treats my brother…it’s quite the leap.
6:54 pm, Thursday, 14th April 2022, High School
I’m tired too, you know. Stop comparing what I do to what you do as a job. And I just got home. I’m sweaty, I’m exhausted. Stop. I’m not at the age to feel pain yet.
That’s all I’ll share for now. These entries are the ones I am comfortable enough to write out, and I believe these aren’t too heavy but can still demonstrate my emotional state and how I felt then. Thank you for reading.
