Content Warnings: Anxiety, Medication, Academic Stress, College Applications, Job Anxiety
I just started working on my college essays and slowly working through my applications. I also started a new job last week, and I am very anxious but it checks every box so I am trying my best to convince myself to get through it. I have always had problems keeping jobs and have worked at 7 jobs previously, most for only a week or so. The majority of the time I end up having a panic attack or slowly breaking down throughout the week and decide to move on. In the past, I still think that was the best decision for me even though those choices were tough to make. My current job is at a daycare, which I have been looking for for months, and it has gone really well so far. I have already made good relations with a few of my coworkers and with some of the children in my class so far. The pay is exactly what I want, and as I am saving for my own car, I have a very limited schedule despite wanting to work all week. I’ve had several interviews at other neighboring schools but have not advanced in the hiring process due to my particular schedule request.
Most importantly I needed to work in the mornings with the same hours Monday through Friday, out of necessity and my personal need to have the same schedule every week. To pay for everything I have already counted on, I need as many hours as I can get, while still leaving time in the day for school. I have never worked as much beforehand, and on top of this, I am about to start my senior year.
Unexpectedly, I have a full schedule for both semesters, mainly because I have no other choice but also because I need an impressive course selection for the schools I wish to apply to. I didn’t count on this becoming a reality and I would have maybe tweaked my schedule before I took my job, once knowing I would not have only a couple classes total. I have about a million things on my mind and I have never in my life been this overwhelmed. Just knowing that this stressful period has to last for at least another nine months adds even more stress to my life, while taking away any comfort that was left. My entire life is changing so fast and I feel like I can’t keep up.
In addition, my doctor has not refilled my anxiety medication, which I need more than any of the others I routinely take. I use it three times a day, making it a quick-release capsule. This also means that if I do not take it for two days I am likely to notice. My last one was yesterday morning and I am currently getting ready for bed the day after. This upcoming week is my first full week of work at this job, which also happens to be the most I have worked in a single week ever. My medication is the first out of a dozen other failed attempts to help relieve my extreme anxiety, as well as the only reason I am able to have a job or take on a full course load this school year. Without it, I would fall apart. My mind immediately goes back to old memories that feel similar to this one, and I can’t eat, sleep, or focus on anything without being stuck back in an old but familiar place. The crippling thoughts of anxiety take over my showers, brushing my teeth, eating, and every other thing I do during the day. I can’t help but be reminded constantly of how I used to feel and what has led me to exactly where I am right now, the reason my life is so different than most. My high school years did not go the way I wanted to or thought they would; they are so different, the whole idea is practically unrecognizable. The most important year of my life has just started and I already feel like I’m failing.
