Hey stranger.
“Insecurity holds you back.” I never understood the reasons for this quote. How can an insecurity hold me back? It’s just something that you hate or see yourself as not being good enough, I always thought, that always pushes you to do better. But, jeez, I was wrong. I’ve always pushed people out, never letting people in because it was easier that way, but I finally met someone who I wanted to let it, someone worth letting my walls down for. But they have an old friend that they had a falling out with, an old friend they liked. And now they are trying to reconnect with this person I hold dear to my heart now. They asked me if they were allowed to, and I left the decision up to them, because I knew it was bothering them. They aren’t the type of person to cut someone out or hold grudges; they are the kind of person who is sweet and unwaveringly forgiving. But somewhere deep in me, I longed for them to say that they won’t accept them back into their lives because I’m scared.
I’m used to people leaving me. I’m used to people just switching over to others because I got too boring for them, and I’m terrified that that’ll happen to me again. I love them and I know they’re so loyal, but I’ve only seen the worst in people and I really don’t want to be proven right again. And man, their old friend is so pretty, the kind who’s blonde and slender, the type of person who has tons of admirers and even a cheerleader. I am not, I’m not the type to do athletic activities. I’m not even book-smart, I can barely get someone to like me. And see, I know that my perspective of myself is hazy, too, but it’s all I can see, and once they asked for my perspective, I couldn’t stop my thoughts that whispered that I wasn’t good enough. The thoughts that whispered that maybe, just maybe, one day, when we fight, they’ll be there saying all the right words and doing all the right things to get them to fall for them again. And then, I’ll be there, just there, like left-overs.
I hate this part of me. I hate these insecurities and overthinking. I even had a panic attack during the conversation. I tried. I really tried to be understanding and just be a good partner. Letting them make their decisions, but man, these thoughts are just really holding me back from being a better person. Thankfully, it didn’t become a fight, but they were able to understand that something was wrong. I hate it.
Stay safe out there.
