Content Warning: self-deprecation, social ostracization
Hello Stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well. If not, that’s okay too. My week has been a bit terrible, and my emotions have been all over the place. My mood swings have worsened and I’ve been reflecting a lot on life. Let me start off by saying that I’m not a smart person. I may be logical, but I’m not intelligent school-wise. But, a lot of my friends seem to think I’m smart in school. I’m not entirely sure why, but people have vastly different images of me at school than how I actually am. It can get very exhausting because half the time I don’t even feel like I’m myself when I’m at school.
We had a presentation due in class the other day where I recited a poem out loud. I practiced a lot and talked a little bit about it with my teacher before the recitation. My teacher seemed to disagree with my central idea for the poem. She thought the central idea was the complete opposite of what I’d originally thought the poem stood for. I understood where she was coming from and fixed my project even though I still disagreed with her perspective. After I came back to my seat, I noticed that my friends were trying not to laugh at me, even telling other people after class. I guess, in a way, they were happy that I’d gotten something wrong. They seemed happy that I’d finally been ‘ridiculed’ in front of the class. I didn’t think much of their reaction initially, but the more I thought about it, the more it ate at me.
I guess they were waiting for that moment. I didn’t know how frustrated they were with my grades because my grades aren’t the best right now. Or how I appeared to be a straight A student. The more I thought about what they said, the more lonely I felt. I know it’s a stupid high school thing, but I feel so alone. I feel like no one’s going to be there if I ever fall, if I ever trip. Or rather,I feel like everyone around me is waiting for me to screw everything up. It feels like no one actually cares about me, and it’s a very self-deprecating thought, but it’s the truth, I suppose, and this revealed it. How lovely.
Stay kind.
