Content Warnings: Seasonal Affective Disorder, Self-Deprecation, Academic/Life Stress
Dear Stranger,
How are you? I hope all is well with you, and if not, that’s alright too. I think I’ve been in a really dark place these past few weeks. The mornings are getting colder, it’s harder to wake up, the school year is becoming increasingly difficult with exams and tests, and I’m so emotionally drained. I’m tired of having to pretend like I’m fine. My grades are slowly slipping, and I don’t even know what I don’t understand. Every new connection I make seems to lead to dead and burnt ends. And in the midst of all this, I realize how lonely I am. I don’t have someone who I can talk about this with, someone I can lean on. And it’s always been that way, but it’s getting hard again.
Maybe it’s the seasonal depression talking, but it’s really dark for me right now, mentally. Everything I do either seems pointless or not enough. I can’t seem to find the motivation to do any kind of work, and I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of fake friendships, I’m tired of barely passing grades, I’m tired of seeing people live their best lives, while I sit here and wonder why I’m so unlovable. People like me, but they don’t love me, so I wonder what would happen if I said my true feelings, if I talked about my struggles and problems to them. I don’t know if even half of my friends would take my problems seriously.
I’m getting to a point in my life where my future depends on what I do right now, on the grades I get, on how I hold myself. And it’s terrifying—no one really tells you about how impactful this moment is. I constantly wonder if I’m good enough or if I’m throwing away my future, if I should get rid of every distraction and just focus on schoolwork. I know that I’m not book smart and I struggle with memorizations, but I’m really trying my best to keep myself afloat. But with everything that’s happening right now, it feels like I might break at any moment. I want to feel that soft embrace and allow myself to feel okay again, like I’m not constantly falling behind everyone else. For someone to tell me that everything’s going to be okay, and that I’m going to be happy.
The worst part about all this is that it allows you to see your deepest flaws. While I spend time wallowing in the dark, I realize how terrible of a person I actually am. It forces you to look at yourself in the mirror, asking yourself ‘what’s wrong with me?’ in every single aspect of my life, whether that’s personal or academic. My past mistakes and wrongdoings eat away at me as I lay awake in bed at 3am, hoping that I’ll be able to do better next time.
Stay safe, and take it easy on yourself.
