Content Warning: Anxiety, Depression, Academic Stress, Emotional Abuse/Bullying
Dear stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well, even if you haven’t been, that’s alright too. I had a four day weekend off from school and I was hoping to get more things done, but I just found myself mindlessly scrolling on Youtube and Instagram. I can’t seem to focus on anything lately, and I’ve been incredibly demotivated. Even though school work has been piling up in the background, I can’t bring myself to care at all, even if I really need to get it done. I’m tired and hungry all the time. Now more than ever, I find myself digging my nails into my skin when I’m stressed, and I don’t even realize it half the time.
A lot of people around me also struggle with their mental health, so I can’t really talk about mine. I usually just listen to my friends talk about their problems. Most of my friends think that I’m pretty mentally unbreakable, which is pretty far from the truth. They make small jabs that last for weeks. Even when I’d bring it up, they’d just laugh it off, figuring it wouldn’t matter either way. And I guess for them it doesn’t really matter, but sometimes it’s the loneliest feeling in the world. It feels like I really am replaceable and unlovable. Like I’m fading into the background without anyone even realizing and it’s so painful.
My grades are slowly slipping, and I hate opening the website to check my grades every day. It makes my stomach drop in the worst way possible, when I realize the grades I receive are lower than the ones I expect out of myself. It’s not that I’m not trying, but my best efforts are definitely in it and it’s beginning to become more and more noticeable. My peers are obsessed with their grades and quick to compare them to other people. It always makes me feel terrible when I say my grade and the other person smirks at me while telling me a number that’s higher than my own. My teachers aren’t exactly helpful either when they encourage the stressful pressures, talking about our class ranks and who did what. I’m just really exhausted and I can’t help but let the thoughts consume me sometimes, even if I know that I shouldn’t listen.
Thank you for reading, but if you do feel the same way currently in any way that I told my story, please remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. That there is always beauty in the ugly. You’re loved and will be loved by many.
Stay safe.
