Content Warnings: Anxiety, Fear of rejection, emotional vulnerability, loneliness, isolation.
Hello stranger,
I hope all is well with you. If not, that’s okay too. I think this past week, I’ve just been floating, my mind’s been running all over the place. On Wednesday, a guy in my class asked one of his friends to confess for him to one of my friends. One of the things I noticed was the way he looked at her. I just, I want to be looked at like that. With genuine affection and just acceptance, I noticed that whenever he saw her, his eyes immediately lit up. I have no interest in him, but those eyes said everything and I just want to be seen like that. Like that someone actually wants to hear what I have to say.
I think I’ve spent most of my life getting dismissed by people; friends, lovers and adults who are supposed to listen. And over time, I became quiet, because it felt like whatever I said was like background noise to everyone. Like my words didn’t matter. I have an opinion and I don’t mind saying or standing up for it, but I want someone to care. I want to pour all my affection into someone without being terrified of them becoming bored with me. I know that I can be very bland and I try to stay agreeable, even if I don’t agree with what someone is saying because a lot of people around me have the mind set that if I’m not with them, I’m against them. Which I’m not, but, honestly, I just don’t want them to misinterpreted my words and run with it without me being able to fully explain myself.
I write because if I speak, I feel like no one hears me because, maybe then, someone will glance my way in that same way in adoration and affection. It’s hard for me to trust people and lean on them. Even getting gifts from my friend or them doing favors for me seems too much and I wonder if I’m asking too much of them. Even talking about my interest, it feels revealing and uncomfortable, like people around me won’t want to hear what I like. I know it’s an irrational fear and anxiety, but I hate feeling like a burden. But at the same time, I really want to love and to be loved. I just hope that I’m not asking for too much.
Stay safe!
