Content Warnings: Anxiety, self-doubt, academic stress
Dear Stranger,
How are you? I hope you’re doing well. Even if you’re not, that’s okay too. This past week has been rough on me. My grades are slowly slipping and I can’t help feeling like I’m not enough for anything. Not good enough for my friends or the people around me. I feel like I’m trying so hard to be something I’m not. I’m not an academically smart or socially smart person; I’m just someone who’s trying to get by. Someone who just wants to be loved for who I am and leave high school as quickly as possible. Maybe being 16 requires you to think about yourself and what kind of person you are, but it induces so much self-doubt and frustration. Wondering how I’m being perceived by everyone else.
I’m not a very feminine person; I never have been. Even though I love girly things, they can be hard to move in. I can’t exactly run in a skirt or heels. I dress with baggy clothes and have my hair shorter than most girls around me, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less of a girl or that I’m not straight. Yet, most people just assume that I’m not interested in dating guys. I really hate this stereotype that if a girl cuts their hair short and dresses boyish, they’re automatically transgender or lesbian.
I was talking to my friend, and I realized how quickly the times have passed. I still remember being in kindergarten and learning the alphabet, but those days are long gone, and I’m sitting in class learning about the forces of gravity. A part of me misses my childhood, all of my life. I’ve been so eager to grow up, I’ve never been able to focus on enjoying my childhood innocence. I really regret that. I wish I’d just enjoyed the moments of playing on the playground or learning simple math. In two years, I’m off to college. I’ll be away from home, leaving everything that I knew about the world and starting fresh. Time’s slipping from my fingers like sand.
I’m scared. Of the future, of school, of everything. It seems like time’s moving so fast, and I have to pick between the different paths in front of me. Each one instills a feeling of doubt in my head. It feels like there’s a right answer and I’m so scared of choosing the wrong one. I have an exam coming up, it’ll eventually determine the college I’ll go to. I hate this idea that everything I do in the future relies on this one test. It’s terrifying. I’m so stressed. I’m losing hair, sleep, and appetite. What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m really not fit for the profession I want to pursue? What if I never get happier?
These are my thoughts being 16 years old. It feels like a time of uncertainty in my life. I really hope that it clicks for me one day, so that I don’t feel like I’m walking in pitch darkness all the time, so I’m not so lost all the time.
Stay safe.
