Content Warnings: anxiety, insomnia, academic stress, bullying
Dear stranger,
I hope you’re well, but if you’re not, that’s okay too. My anxiety has been acting up lately. There have been a lot of nights where I’d stay up just thinking. Past regrets, mistakes and what the future has to offer for me. My grades aren’t the best, and that makes me more frustrated. I used to get straight A’s, and now I’m just so exhausted, I’m tired of people, I’m tired of teachers telling students how hard their jobs and “real” life are.
I’m afraid of what the future will be like, and I’m afraid of whether I’ll make the wrong choices or not. Kids are expected to know what their future is like at the age of 18, and if you don’t know by then, surely there’s something wrong with you. I’m tired of running, of trying to figure things out. I barely know anything, and yet we’re expected to have our whole futures planned out. Teachers pit students against each other, making them fight over grades and become overly aggressive about who will be the next valedictorian. And students with good grades will talk badly about other students because there is a sense of superiority. I’m tired of living like this; I hate talking about my grades and dealing with people who just talk about their academic grade point. Despite once wanting that position of valedictorian, I don’t care as much anymore. The spot seems so tainted now, so disgusting. Though I’m happy for those who have achieved the task, I don’t want this to become my everything. Because I have other things to do, to worry about, and other goals I need to work towards.
I hate it so much, but no one ever seems to realize the strangeness of the whole situation. Teachers are supposed to help children learn and grow, not compare them to other children. Students shouldn’t feel superior to others because they’re “better” in one subject, or even tell other kids that they’re “worthless” or “delinquents” just because they aren’t in honors. It feels like I’m losing my mind, but I guess that’s just high school. On the brighter side, a couple more years and I’m out. I won’t have to talk to any of them anymore, and I’ll be able to go to university. A part of me will miss my hometown, but most of me will be happy that I was able to leave, I think.
Please stay safe out there.
