Content warning: Self-deprecation, depression, self-hate
Dear friend,
I wanted to get something off my chest. Something that’s been bugging me for a while now. As of recently, I’ve found myself to be struggling a lot with my self-esteem. I constantly feel like my successes and accomplishments are never enough. It doesn’t matter if I get straight A’s, or if I win first place at a competition, I just feel…empty.
When I was a child, I began indulging in self-deprecating behaviors, one of the more prominent ones being comparing myself and my life to that of others. I could never fully appreciate my own wins without pondering the successes of my peers. I beat myself up constantly for not being as smart or as talented as they are, and at the time, my behavior felt normal. I thought I was supposed to feel that way. But little did I know that I was headed down a very dark and miserable path.
It was my junior year of high school when I was the most self-hating I have ever been. And it took a week-long depressive episode for me to understand that if I want to be happy, I need to change my ways. I need to let go of all that self-hate that’s been fueling me all these years.
Although it’s been several years since I’ve embarked on this journey to self-love, I’d be lying if I said that I completely banished my old habits. Because it’s moments like right now that make me feel like I’m spiraling. But that does not take away from the considerable time and effort I’ve invested into my mental health. I have come a long way, and I need to remind myself that recovery is not always linear, and that it’s perfectly okay to have low moments, so long as I come out of them stronger and more resilient.
From,
A friend
