Content Warning: bipolar disorder
For the first time in a long time, I feel really good. I started taking a new medication in addition to the one I’ve been taking which has worked for a while. Every aspect of my life has been improving. I’m starting a new job, taking my medicine daily, sticking to a routine, and being more social on the weekends. Of course I am worried that things will slowly start to get worse. It always happens so it’s not unexpected, but I would say this time is more promising.
Every time things start to go well for me, I instantly try to add a bunch of new things to my routine. I tend to get overly ambitious, excited, and almost naive at the fact that just because I’ve been ok for 2 months, does not mean the next two months will be exactly the same. I try to remind myself that progress is not linear, and things can always change. This idea alone brings down my mood as I’m almost implying that at some point that progress will start to go downhill, but I feel like that’s better than assuming that progress will continuously go up. Being realistic compared to being overly positive is better in my mind. Of course I know that good days exist, but I also know that for the past 3 years, most of those days have been miserable, so I’m not oblivious to the possibility that it could happen again.
Without a doubt, this year in particular has been far better than past years. For the most part I’m not as depressed, and I can regularly shower and get out of bed each morning. Surprisingly, my anxiety has also favorably diminished. Although my physical health has been very hard to control, and I wish I didn’t have to take a handful of pills every day. I still fixate on tiny details in my life or on things such as TV shows and hobbies until I can’t think of anything else for weeks, creating recurring insomnia. But I’d rather take all of my combined distracting thoughts and feelings over the extreme highs and lows I used to experience.
In the past, all of my over-productive, overly social, extreme and irrational behaviors were labeled as mania, but luckily I don’t think my behaviors now reflect that in any way. Despite my doctor diagnosing me with bipolar disorder 2½ years ago, I would say I’ve been able to manage it better each month. The difference is that now I’m over-productive and more social in ways that are healthy for me, instead of physically and mentally exhausting. I credit this due to the couple dozen medications I’ve taken, which thankfully are now starting to work, or at least I strongly believe they are. With that being said, one of the more intense thoughts that used to occupy my head 24/7, all day and night, was that I was making up my anxiety or depression in my head, and that the medicine I was prescribed countless times didn’t work only because I didn’t believe it would. Fortunately for me, I don’t necessarily believe this anymore and can now take my medicine without critiquing its ability to work as needed, and constantly questioning whether it’s actually healthy for me.
All of this to say, I’m better now. Not exactly where I want to be, but I can accept where I’m at right now as a good thing. It’s far better than the past years of my life, which says a lot.
