Content Warning: Depression; Suicidal thoughts/tendencies; Self-deprecation
I’m breathing, but am I truly alive? I stare at everyone around me as if there is something I can’t comprehend. Something not in my control. I can’t see their thoughts. I can’t see their actions beforehand. I can’t put them in the game of my mind. I feel awful for playing this game, but it’s all I’ve ever known. All I ever did know. I feel like I’m not only losing the sense of recognizing others, but also myself. Am I truly a good person or do I act like others want me to? Am I the pawn of their game?
Winning the “game” in my mind, gaining points in my favour. I want to be good. I want to help, but how can I help when I don’t truly know what “help” means, or what help could be? I hate myself. I hate ME. I’m glad I wouldn’t get revived like in the games. The dark screen would always stay dark as it’s the only thing I deserve. I deserve nothing. I will slowly detach myself from everything and everyone when I get the chance. Letting people forget me but remember the things I’ve done. I don’t want to be a person in those memories. Just a cause for good or bad.
Maybe I don’t want to get better because that would mean nobody would care to even check on me anymore. I’m only an action, not a person, to most people. Someone to be used for my kindness. You might think I’m psychotic, and you are correct. If I died right now, you would never know and that gives me satisfaction as nobody would remember me. I feel like a part of me still fears the unknown, but one day I’ll walk hand in hand with darkness as an old friend I’ve glared at many times before but only truly seen now.
But maybe it’s just a bad day today. I’ll feel better and these thoughts will be a distant memory. We all need to remember that even when we are at our lowest, at the brink of death, there will be someone there. Shining like the sun in our dark horizon. I hope to be that sun to someone. Maybe that sunshine will reflect onto me and I can finally love all I have to offer. I can finally be happy for not just others, but also myself. I’m not a bad person, just a person in need of help, and that is okay to admit. It’s okay to admit you are struggling and need help. That’s what makes you human. You are not your thoughts.
