Content Warning: suicidal thoughts/tendencies, anorexia, depression, relationship trauma, body dysmorphia
Dear Reader,
For the past 3 years, I have been struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies. I have visualized countless times how I would take my life next fall in my college dorm, as I would be an incoming freshman. I do not know how to feel about leaving behind everything, but I am tired. In the last few months, I was accepted into a very prestigious university and have been offered numerous internships for things I would have been passionate about if I wanted to continue living. I am so tired of keeping up a facade that I am happy to others and perfectly fine.
One of the causes of my depression is my perception of romantic relationships. In 2021, I had my first relationship with a boy I loved more than words could describe. We dated for around 6 months, but those 6 months felt like I was in a constant state of euphoria. He was such a great distraction from everything, and I truly felt happy with him. But, he broke up with me, and later revealed that he actually cheated on me. I trusted him so much. Most importantly, I trusted him with my body. After our relationship, I realized how little he cared about me, compared to the way I cared for him. It seemed like the only thing he liked was my body and other things he could physically have of me. That broke me. I am now used to being used for my body in relationships.
A recent ex of mine wanted to see my body a week after dating and constantly begged me for it and would eventually get upset if I never sent him anything. Even today, a boy that wanted to talk to me is asking to see my body, not even a day into “talking”. I am so tired of being loved for my body and not my true self. Am I only good for my body? Is that what I am worth?
Another cause of my depression is my eating disorder, specifically anorexia. I struggled with this a lot when I was 13-15 years old. It is creeping back up and I feel horrible about it. In my junior year of high school, I gained around 30 pounds. My lowest weight was 90 pounds, however I went through recovery and maintained 120 pounds for a while. Anyway, I started getting comments from family members about my weight and it has been impacting me a lot. I cannot stand looking at myself in the mirror. I have lost around 15 pounds and I am maintaining 135-138 pounds, however I still want to push to be 90 pounds again. It makes me feel awful knowing that I used to be smaller. I lost my thigh gap, my visible rib cage, and my flat stomach. I miss it all so much. I just want to hide in my room and focus on my eating disorder, but I can’t. My parents are constantly watching what I eat. I wish I could tell them I am on a diet, but I plan on purging everything out when they go to bed every night.
I feel like I am unlovable. I feel so alone even though I have so many friends. I am so isolated. I do not like being alive. I wish I were prettier. I wish I could like myself the way people like me.
I do not want to be a headline on the local news, but I just cannot battle this alone. There are obviously more causes to my depression and why I feel the way I feel but my arms are starting to feel weak. Thank you for reading.
