I hope you’re doing well, if not, that’s okay too. I’ve been in 3 different relationships. All of them represent something different, teaching me how life is. I still have all my firsts, from my first date to my first kiss. All of my friends have already experienced stuff like dates and kisses, but I’ve never done anything, and it’s not over the fact that I think they’re special, but more so, that I didn’t feel comfortable enough to just fully let myself enjoy my time with them. The first one started off as a crush, more like an enemies to friends kind of thing, but we were so different that I guess in the end he got embarrassed of me and I stopped. The second one was Friends to Lovers, it was short, but quite sweet. I’m still friends with him to this day, but the third one was the worst. I suppose it taught me the most though, the guy had a stalking tendency and was really touchy, not really caring about my boundaries, really scaring me and scarring me in the process. I guess, there was more I could’ve done to prevent it, but I was scared, thankfully nothing happened, but it was terrifying.
The other day, my friend was talking to this boy and I couldn’t help but notice the eyes of affection on his face as he watched her talk about her life. I felt so happy for her, but if I’m being honest, it hurt a bit. They were so soft and welcoming, the warmth radiating from him, just utterly in love and just happy to be there in her presence, talking to her. It made me wonder if anyone’s ever looked at me in that way, or if I’ll ever be able to be seen in that light. If I’m being honest, I don’t know. I’m not a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve or is very talkative; even if I open my mouth, people don’t really seem to be interested in what I have to say. And maybe I’m just complaining or comparing myself to others, but a lot of people seem to have assumed that I have everything all together and I’m completely alright, but I don’t. I’m just someone who’s better at hiding it and sweeping everything under the rug. I’m a mess without people. I’m clingy and chatty if I get comfortable enough. But the first thing people say is that I’m reliable and dependable, that I’ll be okay, even if I’m on my own. I’m the safe option, the second choice, I guess. But, I want to know what it’s like to genuinely just fall in love together with someone, just a sense of genuine affection and comfort. To share a genuine connection. But, we’ll just have to see.
Stay safe <3
