TW: Self-deprication, social ostracization, Social trauma, academic stress
Dear stranger,
The feeling of being chosen is a rare feeling. Growing up in suburban America as an Asian girl, it’s weird. Look, I hate making everything about ethnicity, I’m an average American girl on the inside and I barely know anything about Japan, I can’t even write out the language. I guess some people would call me white-washed, but I do feel like I fit into American society more than Japanese society. Even with that semi-solid foundation of knowing who I am and knowing what I stand for, it’s hard when people blatantly just choose to ignore that. Some people treat you like a fetish, other people treat you like an alien, others just talk to you without much attachment and there are even some who group you into their friend group just because they think minorities have to stick together. There was always an ulterior motivethat I had to read to survive to risk not getting hurt all over again, there was no just accepting of who I was. But I don’t like my home town, never really felt like I was welcomed with open arms there or like I found my group of people there. But, junior year rolled around and I was drowning in my classes, even losing hair over classes and even then, I was struggling so terribly, mentally, physically and just academically. Physics was my worst class, I loved the subject and class, but the numbers and how exactly it fit into the equations were just terribly confusing for me. But in that normal AP physics 1 class, in that small town, I found someone I’ve never met before. Someone who chose me without a doubt in their mind. It started with small conversations, lingering glances and conversations that I seemed to stumble over. Lab days that I actually started to look forward to, hoping that I’d get the same lab group as him, so I could talk to him just a little bit longer. So, I asked him out, before the AP exams. I figured he’d reject me or it’d be just another fling, but he accepted. It was after his tennis match, so a couple hours later, but it didn’t matter. He accepted it! As I spent time with him, the more I realized that everything I thought was normal, wasn’t normal. There wasn’t a standard, everyone’s a little strange. But even with my strangeness, he still stuck by my side, he still chose to be with me every time. Even when a girl from his past appeared, he chose me because he loved me? No, that doesn’t sound right, aren’t people supposed to have some kind of ulterior motive to stay? Even after I messed up, even if I couldn’t communicate properly with verbal speech and had to write out my feelings, he stayed. When I questioned him, he said that he just loved me and that’s when it clicked. People didn’t need a reason to stay, people didn’t have to be convinced to stay, I was a good enough reason to be chosen. Not because of some kind of fetish, or ulterior motive , or my race. He just loved me for me. That was the kind of love that I never ever thought I’d be able to find, not in my whole life if I was unlucky, but he had just appeared. It made me cry the first time I realized, but over time, it’s made me stronger. It’s made me realize that my labels, my physical appearance shouldn’t impact the way people see me. It should be my actions, my words and my mind.
Stay safe!
