Dear Stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well. If not, that’s okay too. This past week, I’ve been so happy, so much so that I could almost cry out of happiness. The guy I liked found me pretty, my grades weren’t terrible, and I’m actually feeling motivated again. But, can I be completely honest? I’m so scared of when it’s going to end. It feels like every time I feel like I’m at peace, the world likes to taunt me and take it away. Like it’s waiting on me to mess everything up. And I’m so terrified of just leaning on him and accidentally doing too much. I love texting him, I love him so much; it places my mind in a place of comfort like everything’s going to be okay, but at the same time, my mind gets clouded with anxiety.
I know that if I keep thinking like this, I’ll miss all the happy moments of my life, but I can’t help it. Every night, I’ve been going to sleep wondering when the world’s going to take it all back from me, and I’m terrified. Even a slight difference in tone makes me think I’ve messed up and makes me retreat back into my shell, so I feel so bad for making him deal with all my issues. I’ve had so many relationships just gone terrible, because I was so paranoid and just constantly overwhelmed by the lingering feeling of wondering when everything good is going to end.
He’s such a sweetheart and I love him so much, but the feelings of hesitance and anxiety just creeps in. We also actually have quite a lot in common, and I love learning more and more about him. He encourages me to be the best I can and I really need that in my life –someone who actually believes in me and cares about what I do. I’ve learned quite a bit about myself, a lot more than I’d like to admit, since it kind of emphasizes on how much I didn’t know about myself.
I feel so vulnerable but seen, all at the same time and it’s driving me insane. I really do enjoy talking to him, but I just really am scared of ruining everything.
Stay safe!
