Letter #254

Content Warnings: Self-deprecation, burnout

Dear stranger, 

How are you? I hope you’ve been well, if not, that’s okay too. This week, I had a long conversation with my friend about the various aspects of our friend group and how we’ve felt about each other in the past. It was something similar to ‘right person, wrong time’. Honestly, I’ve gotten over the whole ordeal. I’ve dealt with my emotions and ran through the conversation so many times in my head. But the problem I ran into was realizing that I always feel like I’m not good enough.

In every aspect of the phrase, it’s applicable to my life: in relationships, in school and even just in living. Even after a long day of studying and talking to people, I still feel like I could’ve done more and accomplished more. I look back and see the amount of time wasted on scrolling through my phone or just listening to music in my room. I understand the importance of taking breaks and allowing myself to relax, but it also just feels like a huge waste of precious time. I feel like I’m always chasing something. It’s  not that I’m goal driven, but I never feel like I’ve accomplished anything.

I look around and can’t help but to compare myself to others. I wonder what I could do more to get better grades or have a stable relationship with someone I find attractive. I crave the feeling of ease and comfort, though I’m fully aware that I probably won’t achieve it with my current mindset. I think a part of me is terrified that if I find comfort now, I might settle, and in the future, I’ll look back and wonder why I didn’t do more, why I didn’t strive to be better. I think the sense of not feeling good enough stems from my fear of the future and its uncertainty because I don’t know what it holds for me. I don’t want to be stuck with the feeling of regret of not doing enough. 

So, I’m definitely trying to work on slowing down because it’s taking a really big toll on my body and mental health. I always feel lonely and isolated, even with friends. If anyone reading this feels the same, in any sort of aspect, I find looking around and appreciating the small things to be helpful. To find the beauty in things we have now, in front of us. 

Stay safe!