Content Warnings: isolation, anxiety, social anxiety
Hello stranger,
Hope you’ve been well, even if you’re not, that’s alright too. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, trying to figure out where I stand in life and what I should continue on. And it’s had its ups and downs, it’s hard trying to find who I used to be. As a child to my tweens and now teens. I think over the years, I’ve let myself go. I’ve let other people tell me what’s right and what’s wrong out of fear of saying something weird. I’ve never really fit in with the norms, as much as I’ve tried. I found myself agreeing with something that isn’t even remotely true, just to make conversation and, after a bit, that became my truth. I tell myself that I’m okay, even if I’m not, because no one likes a crying, whiny person. I tell myself to be motivated, because everyone expects me to be a straight-A student. I’m so tired of living in a fake truth. Looking back, I’ve lied about most of my life as long as I can remember for various reasons: to fit in, to not attract attention, to guard myself. It seems as though I’d build a stone cold wall around me, pushing others away without even realizing, I just thought it was me being independent, but it was really just isolating myself before I got hurt.
I used to be a ball of sunshine, smiling, laughing. But, other than my family, I can’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed with my friends. And I hate my smile. I think I’m finally in the process of looking back, of understanding myself. I try to understand others, but I forget that I’m also someone who needs understanding. I’m scared of opening up, but I might need to do so, eventually.
So that’s where I am right now, beginning to heal a bit. But school’s starting again, so I might lose myself, which I’m terrified of. It’s hard to face everything, but I think this is what I need. For closure, for myself, for my past. I think this is the right way for me to be more open, to be grounded.
If anything, please look back into the past. If you’re hurting, find out what you were like as a kid. Find what you can implement into your current life and what you can’t. It helps organize your thoughts and yourself. Children tend to be the most honest versions of ourselves. So give it a try, if you’re struggling in the dark. But you’re not alone, and the people around you can provide a sanctuary. A hint of hope when you’re wallowing in the dark. Maybe even travel and meet new people. It helps refresh your mind.
Stay safe.
