Content Warnings: Toxic friendships, social ostracization
Dear stranger,
How are you? I hope you’ve been well, even if you haven’t been, that’s okay too. We’re not perfect, no one really is. No matter how much someone might seem confident or amazing, they’re always going to have insecurities or worries. And yet, we’re quick to label someone. If someone is kind and smart, they’re immediately “perfect.” And over time, that label can become overbearing. I feel like that’s happening to me. I’m not naturally smart or unnecessarily kind. I have a lot of mental health problems, but I’m not very vocal about it because it’s not really something that I need to share with everyone. It’s a problem that I need to deal with and solve on my own time. But just because I ruin my sleep schedule for an extra hour of studying to get good grades or I give up something to help someone in need, I’m immediately told that I’m so “perfect” and that I shouldn’t complain about my hardships.
I have a really close friend, and I had a crush on him for quite some time in the past, but he has a girlfriend now. I’m really happy for them, and I was the one who got them together in the first place. He’s really competitive with grades and expects highly of himself, but sometimes he doesn’t reach his goals. I encourage him to try his best and just move on, but he would tell me that it’s easy for me to say because I’m so “smart.” There are days where he’s really moody and snappy towards me. Other times, he’d talk to other people and even prompt them to talk in a taunting notion towards me. He comments on every little thing I do, whether it’s the way I talk or my taste in guys. Or if I’m expressing my struggles about my grades or emotions, he tells me how I have an unfair advantage. It’s really strange the way he approaches the topics too because he seems really friendly and kind, but he says rude things out of nowhere, expecting me to write it off as an observant comment. It gets emotionally draining after a few weeks.
It seems like a lot of people tend to have this specific image of me, but when they realize I’m not who they expected to be, they get defensive and frustrated at me because I can’t live up to their standards. I’m not quite sure how to break that first impression, especially because I’m not a very open person when I first meet someone. That same friend mentioned how he thought I was the type of person who listens to classical music in my free time and reads alone in my room. I mean, I like both of those things, but they aren’t my entire personality. I usually listen to indie rock and just doodle in my freetime. It’s really hard when someone just expects you to be one way and when they find out you’re not what they expected, they walk all over you. That was something that I realized this week.
But I hope you’re having a great week, if not, you definitely will next week!
Stay safe.
