Content Warnings: Self-deprecation, Avoidance behaviors, Emotional distress
To my closest friend,
What do you think you’re doing?
What a truly silly sight! You’re brushing your teeth beside the bathroom sink, with only the faint dint of your phone to light up the darkness. When the time comes to rinse out your mouth, you place your phone screen down on the sink–without putting it to sleep, dealing with the face ID is a pain—and you do everything solely on muscle memory. You find your cup, flip the water on, swish a couple times, rinse your toothbrush, and place it back in its holder all within the darkness.
Who is that phantom distantly outlined in the mirror?
No one! It doesn’t matter. You should really get on finding something to cover that mirror. No one else uses this mirror, it’ll be fine, no one would ever find out.
It’s been quite some time since you began this little ritual, probably some years now. Even in public bathrooms, you’ll stand to the side of the sink if no one else is around. That thing in the mirror disgusts you. You can’t stand acknowledging it, remembering it’s there, seeing what you’ve done to it, it’s bad enough you have to feel it at every excruciating moment, so you don’t. At every impromptu selfie, you’ll stiffly smile and quickly dart your eyes away from the camera. No, you don’t want to see the picture and if they send it to you you’ll let it rot in your iCloud. The department store is a silent minefield. Around every corner, you could be confronted by an absolutely abhorrent creature whose very sight–even for a single second before you can turn away–leaves you heaving with visceral disgust.
Whatever that is, it isn’t you. There is no you that exists, no you that you want to see. If there is no you, you can be at peace. Because there is no you, you can’t hurt anyone. Without you, you don’t deserve anything.
And that’s how it should be.
