Content Warnings: Depression, technology addiction, escapism
Dear Reader,
I can’t tell if I’m just lazy or mentally not okay.
When I wake up in the morning, it takes me one hour to find the energy to leave my bed. I scroll on my phone or stare at the ceiling. It takes me another hour to get dressed and brush my teeth. Then, I scroll through my social media while eating breakfast for another hour.
Is it digital overload? Doom-scrolling? Burnout? Or a simple phone addiction? All I know is I am afraid of the silence in my house and in my head when I don’t constantly have music or other voices coming from my phone. My head physically hurts.
After toiling away at school and other activities, when I finally have a rare vacation time, this is nonstop. My life has been revolving around a task list, but after I have finally checked everything off, I don’t know what to do with my time anymore.
Everything feels heavy. I don’t have the energy to engage in my hobbies anymore. I don’t have the energy to reach out to friends anymore. I don’t have the energy to make myself food, or even order it. I wait for it to hurt before I finally look for something to eat. I don’t even have the energy to think anymore. It’s only through the internet that I can at least temporarily distract myself from the horrible sucking emptiness in my head. I desperately scroll, checking all my apps, searching for something to fill myself up, to inspire me, to make me satisfied enough to rise out of my slump. But at the end of the day, I am always back where I started.
Today I am writing this letter in silence. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me, but I hope that if I write like this everyday, I can slowly train myself to face my uncomfortable thoughts rather than numb them.
