Content Warning: depression, anxiety, addiction, marijuana (weed), escapism, Narcotics Anonymous
Lately, I’ve been having a hard time staying in reality. I find it’s easier to daydream and get sucked into a TV show so much that it defines my life for the week it takes me to binge-watch it. First it was Shameless; now it’s Jane the Virgin. I am particularly fond of Michael’s character because he reminds me of my ex, who I miss terribly.
I think I’m avoiding reality because I don’t like living with myself right now. I’m constantly reminded of who I used to be, how happy and independent I was, and how much that version of myself would disapprove of this version of myself. Sure, she was a stuck-up b****, but she seemed so sure of herself and didn’t spend all her spare thoughts criticizing herself for her weed addiction.
That’s right. I’m addicted to weed. It has destroyed the person I used to be, or rather, my addiction has. My therapist says it’s because I have anxiety, which I don’t doubt is true. I have a habit of pulling at my hair when I’m nervous, and my nightstand is covered in strands of my twisted brown locks. But how do people not have anxiety? Especially when the world is falling apart, and no one seems to be doing anything about it.
I think I’m also a little depressed. Thank God my university’s classes are in person because they really have been the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. Otherwise, I spend the day in my room, smoking and crying while I attempt to do schoolwork I can’t focus on. I recently lost two of my really close friends, and my life suddenly seems so lonely. I’m adjusting to it, but the change is still really difficult to cope with.
I get that life has ups and downs, and I’m okay with being down. But for how long? I’m scared that I’ll never be able to gather the strength to quit and, even when I do take steps toward that goal, I am reminded of my mistakes and the loss I have endured over the last few months. I feel too weak to even try.
That being said, I’ve been attending N.A. meetings, and one of my friends even offered to come with me to one. I’m so eternally grateful for all the love that still exists in my life and the family I have on my side. I just think it’s important that I acknowledge that because I feel stronger reminding myself of their love for me. I’ve been trying to gather the courage to design a schedule to incorporate exercise, meditation, reading my self-help book, going to NA, working, and writing (I’m a writer), but that has yet to happen.
Thank you for listening.