Letter #76

Content Warning: abusive relationship, manipulation


Dear reader,


2023 turned out to be both a good and bad year. I want to say I was so close to falling in love, but all I took away from that relationship was how much I prioritize loyalty and privacy. I was a virgin when I met him, and we were friends. The first time I ever talked to him in my life, we were college freshmen in New York City. We both share a desire to pursue a career in finance, and, at the end of the semester, we went to a conference. I gave him a tour of the only city I was familiar with, since I live nearby. While I was not initially impressed with him, he eventually came back into my life sophomore year.


I am a mean person but with limits. I tease and push people’s buttons: I know that. But when he was in my vicinity, he would be more than willing to take it. Why? It infuriates me now, knowing that he stayed back for my presentation because I was nervous. It infuriates me now that we made a poster board together for some club. It p**ses me off that we eventually had a class together and sat next to each other. It makes my blood boil that he transferred into one of my classes and played f***cking dumb when he saw me there. It did not register in my mind that he liked me or was attracted to me. I am an ugly duckling. When I think about myself, I can not see anything except my face growing up. Disproportionate features and all that. People tell me I am pretty and attractive, but I see it as a facade to get into my pants.


He eventually started showing up to class only when he knew I was going to be there. He started to compliment me. He started to be too friendly in front of others. I hate him—words can not describe how much I hate him. I hate him for making me enjoy his companionship. We eventually got boba and went to Target since he said, “I want to learn skincare.” That is my area of expertise. I treated him like any other friend, but he just started changing after—texting consistently, every day while he was in Mexico while I was home working.


January comes around. The biggest mistake was trusting him. I was a virgin. This was something I was so proud of and did not want to let go of, but he had some sort of possessiveness over it. It started with the exchange of shells, then him reading something about ‘La Virgencita,’ and then somehow he kissed me. Little did I know, that was the start of one of the most traumatic encounters I will ever have with a man.


I will never forget him, I know that much. 


He is just another reminder that I can not trust anyone.

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