Content Warnings: Bullying, School trauma, Racism.
Dear stranger,
I hope you’ve been well this past week. Even if you’re not, that’s okay. I’m currently not in a great headspace. I’ve always struggled with emotions and building trust with others. I recently found out that one of my friends is moving. I was shocked, but I wasn’t sad. I wish them well and I’ll miss them, but nothing more and nothing less. But my other friends started to cry. I’ve known her longer than them, and yet, I felt nothing. The other friends who started crying ended up calling me ‘heartless’. I felt like an outsider, like I was supposed to be crying my eyes out, but nothing came out. I fell into this hole of self doubt and frustration.
A day later or so, my other friend would leave me to hang out with his other friend group. I told someone that he’d left because she’d asked, but then she said that he’d ‘abandoned me’. I mean, I guess she was being dramatic. I was upset, yes, but I also expected this. But the words she used made me feel like I’m boring to be around, like he’s only hanging out with me because he has no other friends to hang out with. But I also expected that he’d leave if he wanted to.
I grew up in a very bad environment. My parents did their best and were amazing, but I had terrible teachers and terrible friends. I was even bullied often because of my ethnicity. I guess, as time passed, I got used to being the ‘second choice’ or people quickly leaving me for other people, or just leaving. Slowly, my emotions of attachment became faint. It’s hard for me to trust someone and for me to show any kind of negative emotion in front of people. Even if I really like someone and have a deep connection with them, I find it hard to express my frustration and concerns. It’s hard, it’s difficult, to not be able to show any kind of sadness or frustration because people assume that you’re unbreakable. That you’re ‘strong’ or able to handle everything, so they leave you alone, even when you’re asking for help or asking them to stay. I wish that was the case. I wish I could wear my heart on my sleeve. But it seems like it’s impossible. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to express my feelings more casually.
Stay safe.
